I have not eaten since last night’s binge so it’s been officially 19.5hrs of fasting and going strong. I’ll have to eat dinner today but I think I can get away with 100 calories or less which would make today a good day. I also worked out on the elliptical and cleaned the entire house for 2hrs so that burned some calories. So I’m feeling a little better about last night’s slip but now I am anxious about tomorrow and Christmas day. sigh.

I can fast until dinner tomorrow and eat a small portion of Christmas eve dinner but on Christmas day, I’m going to bombarded with food and eating all day. Not sure what to do I’m thinking i’m going to be coming down with a sore throat and can’t eat much!

CW: 152

I gained half a pound because of the stupid stupid binge. What was I thinking? Today will be better. It has to be. I need to be 150 by Christmas. I can do it!

So I binged and I am so mad at myself for doing so. I can’t purge because Z is home and he will hear me. Contemplating taking more laxatives but they fuck me up even more. I don’t know what to do. I ate a bunch of chips and bean dip. Like half the bag of chips and half the bottle of dip.

I am a fat fat fat loser. How do I expect to face the scale tomorrow?

That is all that is in my mind. Food! Why? Because only fat asses like myself think about food all day! But I have been strong. I have only had diet cokes and water all day. No solid food has passed my lips. None! I do not deserve to eat! Especially with Christmas looming around the corner!

“Nothing tastes as good as thin does”

CW: 151.4

So I lost barely 2 oz which is so damn fucking pathetic. Today the plan is is to not eat at all. Just water and diet coke will coat my insides. I am too much of a fat cow to deserve to eat anyway. Stupid fat me!

Today was a bad eating day and I didn’t have the urge to purge or use lax. Both fuck me up more than just restricting. I am typing this while trying really hard not to give in to a full blown binge. It’s not like I’m hungry. I just have these stupid urges to want to eat. why? Why can’t my body just feed off its own fats, there is so much of it!

So here’s what I ate today.

popcorn – 100 cals
2 cups sald – 10 cals
5 squirts dressing – 5 cals
30g chicken – 35 cals
7 tostidos chips – 145 cals
2 tablespoons dip – 45 cals

Total Calories: 340

Tomorrow I plan to fast the whole day since I can probably get away with it. Hopefully I can fast until Wednesday evening.

I fasted for 24hrs since yesterday and then broke it with a 100 calorie bag of popcorn. The popcorn filled me and I feel so stupid for eating eat. I didn’t need to eat especially since I will have to do dinner and can’t get away with the fake eating trick twice in a row. I probably can get away with a small less than 100 calorie salad though.

All I see is lard.. everywhere!

CW: 151.8

I woke up to that weight today. Almost 3lbs in a day but I know most of it is water weight from the laxatives I took. I feel like crap but I am no longer hungry. Just worked out on the elliptical and I am feel accomplished. Should I not be happy? Why do I feel so numb then? I took some pictures of my fat ass to remind me that even though I feel empty inside, I am still a fat ass.

Been fasting since I had the cookies at 3pm yesterday so fast technically started at 4pm and am now almost 19hrs into it.